This is how far I’ve come
"Look how far we've come
And it was all so unexpected
We were broke and we were young
But somehow we stayed connected
So we hold on to our better days
'Cause easy come, easy go away
Still can't believe we were the lucky ones
Look how far we've come" – The Lucky Ones, Pentatonix
Hi! This inspiration came from yesterday's meeting (I wrote this on Saturday, I don't know when I will post this, maybe Saturday, maybe another day). For context, I have been part of the Dialogue Magazine editorial team since October 2018. I joined because their photographer resigned for some reason, and they needed someone to fill in. And so I was contacted, they politely asked if I wanted to join as a photographer. It took me some time to consider although I finally agreed. And there I was, the only member from batch 2017 who didn't have a batch in Dialogue because I was recruited through close recruitment.
As time goes by, I feel that my job in Dialogue was not a photographer. I became a reporter, just like the other members. Every time, every single time I asked other members if they needed my help to photograph, no one gave a response. I contribute some photographs for maybe just 2 times. There was a period where I feel like I was being tricked. I never really talked about this and so far, there are 2 people who know how I felt that time, but that if they even remember what I told them. Alas, I finally got through that period and just accepted my fate that I was ‘photographer-recruited-but-then-I-became-a-reporter.’
Some semesters pass, and not only I was a reporter, but I also got a promotion. I became one of the editors in Dialogue. Someone might be pissed if they know I wrote this as an editor only xixixi. Yeah, I am not just an editor, I am the chief editor. And for our latest edition out this April, I wrote the editorial opening, and I am so frickin proud of that piece of writing. But what I really want to write here is actually a reflection. A reflection on how far I’ve come.
“Look how far we've come // And it was all so unexpected.”
I just relate with that a lot, on a spiritual level. My journey with journalism has started since I was in junior high school. It was a wall-magazine extracurricular that I joined. In high school, I can say that I 'leveled up' or upgraded myself. My high school has (I hope they still have it, though) a magazine. And so I joined the team, became the editor-in-chief for a year, before retiring before national exams. During that period, I also joined a journalist competition as part of the most prestigious basketball competition at that time. It was around 2016, I was in my sophomore year of high school.
When it came to the awarding night, I made an excuse not to come because I thought it would be just a waste of time. But as soon as I sent my message, suddenly, one of the committees contacted me, telling me that I won something. I went, “WHAAAAT?!” and so I came because I was curious.
Never in my life had I imagined I would bring home the 'Best Writer' title, never. And yeah, that was the award I got that night. It was crazy and felt like a dream. I was the best writer in a journalist competition that was a part of the most prestigious basketball competition at that time.
And then I graduated high school. I went to college, and in my freshman year, I intended to join Dialogue magazine, but my mom said no because although I had already written there once when I was in high school, I was still a freshman student anyway. So, that was a no from my mom. But I contributed one time, oh, twice actually, before I officially joined the team. Both were articles from me interviewing Endah N Rhesa and HIVI. After the HIVI article in April 2018, the offer came in October as I told you earlier. And I officially joined the team.
This is a whole different story from my journalism journey, but, I was fangirling on someone when I joined an English competition, also in 2016. There was this student of English education and he was the MC for that closing ceremony. Little did I know he was also part of the Dialogue Magazine editorial team (input the emoji of a monkey closing his eyes here). He was my high-school crush that I wasn’t ashamed of because…everyone I knew in my high school was also crushing on him.
Okay, long story short, from a high school student to a chief editor in a magazine. That is how far I’ve come, and it was all so unexpected. I just wanna say that everything is possible. Who knows that a girl who chose chemistry for her national exam subject now is the chief editor of Dialogue magazine? A girl who was majoring in science is now working on her thesis discussing pragmatics; a girl who joined an English competition in 2016 and was crushing on the MC got a chance to be in the same editorial team with the guy she was crushing on. Guys, we never know what life prepares for us.
Yesterday I also post this photo on my WhatsApp status:
And few hours after that, I attended a Dialogue meeting. So, I continued my status with this picture below:
Really guys, we never know what the future holds for us; what life has prepared for us. As I said previously, everything is possible. Also, everything does happen for a reason and that is not always toxic positivity. After a long journey of your life, you'll finally come to an epiphany that, yes, everything indeed happens for a reason. The good and the bad come in one package, it's a never-ending cycle we need to enjoy, and it's called life.
Why do I write this?
I have been struggling a lot for the last couple of months if you have read that from my previous posts. I went to therapy for 2 months and it didn't help that much, so I went to a psychiatrist, and thankfully my life has been good since then. I did all that without my parents knowing. Yet, I tell other people who I believe won't judge me that I seek helps. I also wrote it here because my parents don't read my blog. Even if they did, that was long ago. Maybe they think this blog doesn't exist anymore.
Back to my struggle. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety disorder with hints of obsessive-compulsive behavior. I was prescribed some anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications and when I started consuming them, I can finally feel like myself and I can finally see the good thing in my life. I'm still on meds and will have a check-up next month. I don't know if that was just a placebo effect, but I do feel like myself again. I try not to be dependent on the meds, so this is still a long way to go since I was easily triggered. This is my self way before I was depressed and diagnosed with it. And living with anxiety attacks without my family knowing is a real challenge. When my anxiety is kicking in, I am suddenly being so scared and just stop talking, but my brain was so busy with its own thoughts. I started so many scenarios and what-ifs in my head.
Last week, on March 9, I still remember this very clearly. The rain was pouring hard and I couldn’t reach my mom. She didn’t pick up my phone at all. I called her like 10 times and not even once she picked it up. It was already 7:30 in the night, and I had this thought that there might be something bad happen to her. I couldn’t get rid of this thought or wait for her to get home. So I took my hoodie, bring my phone and purse, wore a raincoat, and went through the rain, heading to my campus. When I got there, it was already very dark. The common room was empty and dark, so I headed to her office on the 4th floor. The lights on the third floor were already out and I turned the flashlight on my phone to see, and there was literally nobody on the third and fourth floor. Where the hell is she? I still tried to call her, and still no answer. It was still raining very hard, and I headed home with the thought that she might not be okay. I was very very anxious, I couldn't help but think she was in trouble. I went through the rain once again. I just wished that when I got home, she was already home as well. I was finally relieved and exhaled deeply when I saw her motorcycle in our garage.
She didn't and still doesn't know I have anxiety. She just said, "What are you doing there?" and I said, "You didn't pick my phone, I was worried." And she laughed at the fact that I went through the rain looking for her. I don't blame her, though. But it did hurt. It's okay, way past that.
Yesterday’s meeting was an epiphany for me. I have walked this far, and I feel so blessed with everything I have. I will never take anything for granted again, ever again. I am still on a recovery journey, still on meds, but I am getting better. Writing really helps me to express myself, this is one of them. This is me, the chief editor of Dialogue Magazine, and I am so proud of that.
I am currently writing my thesis, a research article for an undergraduate conference, and fiction. I also attend BIPA class and tutor my juniors on Fridays. I go to the library almost every day and design grammar materials on the day where I don’t work on my thesis. This is the life I dreamed of when I was in the dark phase. I have an amazing support system that consists of my closest friends, two great internet friends, and some lecturers who I love to talk to, I have a beautiful moon night lamp that I am still, to this day, so grateful for. It was a birthday gift from my cousin, and I really love it so much. I listen to the 'Get Sleepy' podcast every night to help me fall asleep. In short, my life has been good and hopefully will always stay like this. I have gone too far, haven't I? Sorry, I got carried away and started rambling.
In a nutshell, if you are currently not in a very good situation, believe me, things will get better. It takes time, but eventually, it will get better. Try to see the good in life, people in your circle who love you very dearly, things you are so passionate about, whatever that makes you the happiest. I can't believe I am saying this when a month ago I was thinking that ending everything would just make the pain go away. Reach out for help when you need it; no one will shame you for that. Your mental health is what matters the most. You matter. Quoting Olivia Rodrigo in her video on March 6 when she was asked about the best advice she has ever received:
“I guess right now what I’m thinking about most is my mom tells me all the time it’s that those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter.”
Reaching out for help won't offend or hurt anybody. It's you trying to help yourself and it is okay. One more thing if you are currently struggling with a mental health issue and every day is trying not to, this is from Taylor Swift’s documentary in Disney+ when talking about her song ‘this is me trying’:
Taylor: “I’d been thinking about addiction and I’d been thinking about people who if they’re either suffering through mental illness or they’re suffering through addiction or they have an everyday struggle. No one pats them on the back every day, but every day they are actively fighting something. But there are so many days that nobody gives them credit for that, how often must somebody who’s in that sort of internal struggle must wanna say to everyone in the room, ‘You have no idea how close I am to going back to a dark place,’ or ‘you have no idea how hard it is to get to the point where you guys think is still shitty.’
Jack: “The idea of doing your best or trying is one that only a person knows and you know when you’re doing it. And it’s so hard, which is what I get from that song, when you’re doing your damn best and it’s not good enough. And it rarely is. But it’s you know, it’s a very isolating feeling which I think is funny cause it actually is the thing that binds all of us. Cause we’re all doing our best and feeling like it’s not even close to good enough.
Taylor: “Yeah, I had this idea that the first verse would be about someone who is in sort of a life crisis and has just been trying and failing and trying and failing in their relationship, has been messing things up with the people they love, has been letting everyone down, and kind of has driven to this overlook, this cliff, and is just in the car going, ‘I could, like I could do whatever I want in this moment and it could affect everything forever.’ But this person backs up and drives home, and—”
Jack: “Yeah I love that. The idea that not driving off the cliff is an act of trying. Which is almost the ultimate act of trying.”
…
Taylor: “And so I was thinking about this person who is really lost in life and then starts drinking and every second is trying not to.”
***
This is way out of topic. But what I am trying to say is, yes, it takes time, but when you finally got to the epiphany, you’ll see how great and amazing your life is actually. And that epiphany is really unpredictable. I got mine during a Dialogue meeting. Literally. I just thought to myself, “Wow, I am so lucky to be in this editorial team and to have them. To have an amazing support system, and how far I’ve come. Life’s good. Even if bad things happen, like what I experienced a few months prior, still, it’s just a bad day, maybe a week, but it’s not a bad life. Look back, and recall those pleasant memories. There you go, your life’s good right? And this is how far I've come.”
I’ll be seeing you very soon, readers!
P.s: here are some photos I'd love to share just because I am too lazy to put them in-between paragraphs xixixi
2016: I joined an English competitions held by ELESP, and this is our group picture. We took a photo with our beloved teacher, Mr. Arko who coached and prepared us for this competition.
Cheers,
Vina Kanasya
Comments
Post a Comment