An update: I am okay

Hi!

It’s been a month since my last trashy post in February. I’ve been thinking about giving another ‘a life update’ title on this one, but then I figure out better not.

If you were here last month, I wrote a very personal ramble. In that post, I told y’all that I was about to meet a psychiatrist because counseling ain’t helping anymore. And guess what, I finally made the appointment. Hell yeah. I sacrificed 3 hours sitting in the hospital, exposed to coronavirus risk for that appointment. Also, in those 3 hours, I had to read several materials for my class at 2. What a perfect combo.

 

But when they finally called my first name and I got to enter the room, I could finally let everything fall out of this mouth: the stories, the trauma, everything that had been gone wrong for the last couple of months or maybe even years.

Years?

Yeah, can you imagine a 22-year-old telling memory of her childhood even before she was 5? I really did. I have a memory that I, to this day, still remember very clearly and vividly. A trauma, if I should say. It's something that haunts my sleep and scares me. I am so scared that it can be back anytime.

That day, I could finally let go of everything I had been holding on to and find out what I am; what happens in my head.

I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression, with a hint of obsessive-compulsive behaviors that are not yet considered an obsessive-compulsive disorder. They basically are the symptoms of anxiety disorder I had for God knows how long. My psychiatrist prescribed me some anti-anxiety and anti-depressants to solve the chemical imbalance in my brain. 3 days after consuming the medications, I started to feel the effect. I no longer overthink too much in the days and have better as well as earlier sleep at nights. Oh and by the way, I didn't tell my parents at all and don't have a plan to tell them as well. I am doing great now. Maybe there will be a time where I can finally tell them all this downhill and pressure I experienced.

I have to say, I am so f grateful she prescribed me meds that match my body perfectly. Moreover, I am so f happy that I finally know what I am. I can finally start writing my thesis and even prepare for my tutor program, and wrote fiction too that I had been working on for about 3 months. And no, I won't post that here. I posted it somewhere on the internet under a pseudonym.

I also had been making friends on the internet. There are two people who I very grateful for knowing them. We talked almost every day online, and without them knowing, they have helped me get through the darkest days of my life. If you find this post, which I don’t think you would, thank you. Thank you for everything.

I have been thinking about making a post where I describe my friends who have and still are helping me get through everything. But I am not sure if they want to be included in a post with their faces. I might ask for their consent if I want to put their faces. Nevertheless, they play a very important role for me, and I am forever grateful to have them in my life. They are the kindest, angels sent by God, the sweetest people, and the most supportive human beings I could ask for to be in my life.

This might be a very short update, but I feel the strong urge to tell y'all. And you know what? This blog is 10 years old. I started writing here when I was 12. And now, I am 22, there is so much more that I have learned in those 10 years. When I look back or read back my old writings, it became a try not to cringe challenge for me. There are so many, way too many old posts that now I am ashamed of. But, that is part of the process. Processes that shape me into the person I am today: the person who is still standing strong, not giving up to her suicidal thoughts months ago, and decided to live her life no matter what happens inside it; no matter how hard it gets for her.

This post had been sitting in my download folder for 4 days, and it will finally see the bright of daylight when I hit the post button later tonight.

I'm going to give an update to y'all with the more interesting and fun update in the future. I'll see ya!

 

Vina Kanasya