A tough year, but we made it!

 TW: suicidal thoughts

Hi there,

A quick post about 2020 is coming your way. I actually have a draft, but it is kind of stuck, so I am just gonna write this real fast.

2020 has been a very tough year for almost everyone. This pandemic forces us to live in a very isolated life, far from the crowd and social life we used to live in. However, is it just me, or the whole physical distancing, wearing masks, and washing our hands thingy make us realize how we don't really care about hygiene before this pandemic? Like, it wasn't our top priority. Now we just realize how in a large crowd, we are exchanging germs and bacteria in the air. At least from this pandemic, people are really keeping themselves and their environment clean, right?

Anyway

I don't wanna say that 2020 has been very tough and hard for me because it is for everyone else too. However, this year is probably one of the hardest.

I've never struggled with suicidal thoughts my whole life more than I have for the last 2 months. Things are not going well for me, and those trigger some suicidal thoughts in my head. It makes me think that, "Oh yeah, maybe the world is going to be a better place without me." or "I can just leave everything behind, right? I don't wanna feel the pain anymore." "The pain is unbearable, then what's the best way to end it?" but thanks to the logic that still works well in my head, those are 'just' becoming thoughts in my head. Although, sometimes I did think about, "where should I hang the noose?” I know it sounds so stupid and seems like I was seeking attention, but these thoughts are real. Sometimes I am okay, but when I am not, the thoughts come back. Simple and stupid things just trigger my anxiety and thoughts. And those can happen from even the simplest occurrence like when I heard a certain sound that shouldn't have triggered me in a normal situation.

However, I am so frickin grateful that I didn't do harmful things. I still think about the consequences and realize that suicide is not a way out. It will only cause grief for people that are left behind.

I think I have mentioned in the previous post that I am going to a counseling as well. It does help me to cope with some of my problems, because, yeah, those motivational sentences that say “The only person that can help you is yourself” is 100% true and I agree. I have gone through 2 counseling sessions, and in my second session, I was crying, bawling my eyes out. That was one of the best cries I've ever had too. I just felt so relieved and grateful for everything that I have.

I am grateful that I still live in a house; I can eat 3 times a day; I have great friends; I have more that I can share, and maybe the most important thing right now is that I can still filter my thoughts and I am not letting them drive my action without consideration. 

I am grateful for the fact that I am still alive and breathing. 

I don't even know what this post is going to be. I just want to write something. As I am writing this, I have brushed my teeth and I am more than ready to go to bed. It is currently raining in my place and quite cold. I am ready to pull my blanket and wrap myself in it. Just the same way that I spend the 31st of December for the last couple of years.

***

Hey,
Thank you for being strong and standing tall until the last day of 2020.
I know this year has been tough and difficult, but hey, you made it.
Thank you for not giving up.
Thank you for believing in yourselves that you can get through this.
Thank you for adapting to this whole new normal way of living.
Thank you for surviving 

Maybe for some people, this whole pandemic and working from home have been a blessing in disguise. Although at first, I did hope the online class would only last for a month, now I am not complaining that it lasts for the whole academic year. It does make some matters a little bit harder, but when it’s hard, it doesn’t mean it is impossible. That what my lecturer told me. Because, see? We made it.

No one can’t promise that 2021 will be good, but it will when you make the best out of it. Take good things from 2020 to bring to 2021. Such as a new habit of washing your hands every now and then. Turns out, before this campaign, maybe tons of germs are just sitting there in our hands and we just let them be.  

I am going to end this chaotic post by saying do what makes you the happiest. Either it is playing with your pet, doing your makeups, taking care of yourself, watching your favorite streamers for hours, binge-watching your favorite series, watching tons of movies, cooking, baking, writing, reading books, laying in bed for hours, just do whatever that brings you the most joy. Your mental health matters; your happiness matters; you matter. Live your life the way you want it to be.

 

Cheers,

Vina Kanasya 

December 31, 2020
10:00 p.m.