A life update – December 2020

Hey there. It’s been a long time since the last time I wrote here. Not gonna lie, I really miss writing here. As a matter of a fact, I have started this blog since 2011. And I have always tried to write here, despite of my routine and hectic schedule.

The last time I wrote here, I talked about how corona affects my college life, where every class was suddenly conducted online. I also wrote about joining a writing competition and getting 11th place out of 960 participants, which I am very proud of.

It has been a few months now. And I suddenly arrived at the end of my 7th semester. What a life. 2020 feels like…January, February, March, and then December.

Also, my life hasn’t been that good.

I am currently dealing with a problem. It has affected my mental state in a very serious way that I need to register myself for a counseling session, something I would've never imagined doing. But yeah, I need help. I just don’t want to admit it at first. In my life, I often say, “your mental health is very important” or “reach out for help if you need to” or “you can talk to me” and I need to retract all that because now that I am in that position, I don’t reach out for a help when I really need to. Not at first. I finally did it though.

Here’s the thing. This semester has been a crazy ride. It’s the craziest roller coaster I could imagine. On Monday I would feel okay, but then in the following day the only thing I can think of is to end everything. In one second I imagine travelling the world, but then the next thing that follows is just a thought that, “Well, a world is probably gonna be a better place without me.” I would be super motivated in getting things done, but in the next second I would just watch streamers playing Among Us for 3 hours straight. One time I was a very happy person, that the next minute I would consider myself the saddest person on earth. I am easily triggered then become so angry at something I shouldn’t be angry about. It’s ridiculous. I feel that my life is miserable.

To say the least, I am not in my best condition. Or should I say my mental health is decreasing significantly.

I just want to update you guys. Although I didn’t even know if there are still people reading my blog. If you do, I am so frickin grateful you read this. It meant a lot to me. Also, if you get here from my WhatsApp status, welcome to my blog. WhatsApp status is the only place where I post my shit now. Things that I want to share, I only share on WhatsApp. I have stopped posting on my Instagram and Twitter. The last photo that I uploaded on my Instagram was a poster when I joined a competition. That was April 2020. I sometimes open Instagram, and open the gallery, choose a photo, but then I press back vigorously.

I just hate the fact that my post on Instagram can be seen by people that I barely communicate with; friends from middle school and high school that I have lost contact but still following each other on Instagram, and people that I no longer talk to. They can see what I post. I don’t want that to happen.

I used to post a lot of shit, but now I come to a realization how stupid that was. Even now, often times when I was one click away from sharing whatever I want to, I cancel it and think, “Nah, no use in sharing that.”

I want to tell more stories, to be honest. But, I just can’t do it right now. I just want to write a little update on this blog. Be seeing you really soon, readers.

 

Vina Kanasya