a note to myself

March 9, 2021

a note to myself

This is a day before my graduation ceremony, or should I say, less than 12 hours.

A few hours ago I attended my graduation night via Zoom. I didn't expect it to be emotional; but there I was holding my tears while the operator put my frame and 2 other frames in the highlight when it was announced that I was the second best graduate of my study program.

I turned off my camera as soon as the event moved on because I was legit crying. Never in my life had I imagined by achievement would be celebrated, and not criticized; would be applauded and not booed.

I have been keeping this to myself for 4 years. Something I never talked about; something that barely sees the broad daylight: I always feel bad for my achievement

I feel bad for getting an A in hard subjects

I feel bad for getting an A where a lot of my friends didn't get one

I feel bad for performing excellent in the class 

I feel bad for being happy after I did good

I feel bad for getting a compliment from my lecturers and peers

I feel bad for being trusted by my lecturers 

I feel bad for being an excellent student

I feel bad for being a straight-A student

I feel bad for out-shined other people who I thought deserved the spotlight more than me

I feel bad for existing

To be completely and brutally honest, I've always felt guilty to be that smart student in the class

It's like I was cursed with knowledge. I was cursed for being smart where I don't have to try *that* hard.

 

I got a perfect GPA for 6 semesters. In semester 1, then 4-8.

Deep down, I was so excited and happy. But On the outside?

I get 600 for my very first TOEFL ITP exam that I took 2 years ago. But the same thing happened: I gotta keep that to myself, and my parents.

A funny story that I only told very few people: In the morning of my test, I just woke up but my dad was ready to go. He's a TOEFL and IELTS teacher. I asked him before he left, "In the reading part, which one that I read first, the questions or the text?"  that's the only preparation I had for the reading section.

***

 A few hours ago, the chairperson of my study program announce my GPA in the zoom. 3.97 out of 4.00

And I think that was the first time I am proud of that number.

I've been hiding that for 4 years, thinking that achieving the GPA 0.03 away from 4 is a shame. It's a shame that even in the hardest subjects, I would still get an A. Here are the two side of my brain: "I didn't even deserve that number" & "You deserve that."

No matter how many reassurances my closest friends gave me, I would never believe it.

It's like I was programed to feel ashamed and guilty for getting such a high GPA.

But there's also a conflict where a part of myself believes that it's not enough; and it will never be enough. I have to be perfect. I have to be more than I already am. I have to prove it to people who don't even care.

I feel like that I am living in a world where it's a shame to be better than other people in your circle and to achieve something great when no one does..

***

But, I just realize something.

Who knows that less than 2 minute moment in my graduation night would change the whole thing?

I should be proud of what I have achieved.

Looking back, achieving that number wasn't as easy as it seemed too.

I had to work on so many papers; I had to write so many essays; I had to go through so many exams; I had to go through so many simulations of speaking; I had to go through undergrad.

There are a lot of sacrifices, tears, anger, depression, stress, and they all are paid off.

Maybe I should stop blaming myself for being smart, and start being grateful and maximize what I have to be useful.

The real world, I am coming.

-I wrote this at 11:20 pm. I should be sleeping. My graduation ceremony is in about 9 hours and I gotta sleep. But I had to get this out there somewhere. See you when I am more sane! by the way, no proofread no edit. apologies for any mistake I might make here and there-

 

Vina Kanasya

11:28 pm
March 9, 2022