A life update – February 2021

 At this point, I will just title all my post with ‘a life update’ lol

Hi there! It’s been more than a month since my last post. Also, I didn’t post anything on my birthday, 2 weeks ago. Yeah, I turned 22 this year. And this was the first year where I wasn’t excited for my birthday at all, as well as the Chinese New Year. There’s just too much energy wasted there (if there was energy left to waste).

I started to withdraw myself from a lot of stuff. I restrict my post on my social media, and started an anonymous account somewhere on the internet to write things that I believe will never fit here. Those consists some uncomfortably personal things that I don’t want people in my circle to find out, but I want to get out of my head. Writing has always been my coping mechanism and currently is the only way for me to maintain my sanity. I express things better through writing, I guess. I also have been very quiet and only talk a lot with my therapist whom I see once a week.

 

You read it right. I have been going to a therapy. For my whole life, I rely on my thoughts that everything is going to be okay; this too shall pass; this is just me overreacting or being too sensitive; etc. Now I know that those are toxic positivity.

In my life, I will either say something out loud or keep things to myself. The first one had done more damage to the situation, but the second destroys me even more. So, I used to do the first one more than the second. But now, the second seems to be the best option although it destroys me even more and more, day by day.

I have been keeping things to myself, and it just turned out that it’s not good for my mental health. I have habit of retreating most things that I want to say because I am scared. I am scared that whatever I say might only be a boomerang attacking me back. I also avoid conflicts or fights. Does keeping things for myself and not saying them out loud good for me? It’s better for the situation and condition, but obviously not for me. I cry a lot at night silently; I cry way too much when watching movies to express what I couldn’t on regular days. This just happened a month ago when Soul was out and I re-watched Onward: I was literally sobbing to the point I couldn’t stop crying.

But the worst part: I blame myself for everything. I blame myself for every single mistake, all misconducts, all misunderstandings, whatever is wrong in my life and my surroundings. Even for things that are obviously way beyond my control, I still blame myself. Even in my worst situation where I know it happened because of external factor, I still blame it on me for being too sensitive.

When I started the therapy, I said I have problems with my household; it affected me more than I thought (in a negative way), and so I said I wanted to get rid of these fear I had. Two months later, I believe that the root of the problem is me, even though it’s actually not. For example, I hate it when someone doesn’t turn off the lamp after use or close the front door. What happens? I hate the fact that I hate that, and I blame it on me. “Oh it’s just me being super sensitive; I shouldn’t have been mad about it.” I hate that I have this hatred, and I believe that to be my mistake.

I started believing that it’s all on me. I grow up to be a very apologetic person which I just realized, when it has already grown in me as long as I can remember. Some other time when I tried to defense my opinion and it only caused more problems; I cursed at myself even just for opening my mouth and said, “I should’ve never said that.”

I know I have never been this personal in my blog, but writing this right now feels right. I have been holding all this, covering everything, and pretending that I am okay for so long, maybe too long.

In addition to severe self-blaming, I also have been losing interest in so many things. I don’t have the energy and desire to even finish the simplest task that I used to do every morning. I no longer wash the dishes, do the laundry, clean the house, fold the cloths, write and read. I spend most of my times laying on bed, scrolling through YouTube or going through the rabbit hole on the internet. I opened like 70 tabs for reading articles on mental health, depression, suicidal thoughts, or unimportant fun articles by BuzzFeed, taking their quizzes, or reading why those Youtubers and influencers got cancelled on Twitter. My life has been circling around the exact same unhealthy cycle.

I avoid replying my friends’ texts and wait until 12-24 hours later to reply because I don’t really want to talk to them. I answer text shortly and rudely. If you happen to be one of my friends who I was rude to, I am really sorry.

I haven’t started writing my thesis at all. And that’s not good.  I was and still am focusing on my self-recovery. I also have a plan to meet a psychiatrist this week because counseling didn’t really help me that much anymore. In short, talking doesn’t really help, so I might need medication to support my recovery. I told my therapist about this and my therapist supported my decision to seek help from the medical aspect. I live in this cycle: sh*t happens – I become anxious – I go to therapy – I feel good for a few days – I feel too good that I think sh*t might happen anytime soon – it happens – repeat. It’s a real torture.

(At this point I am just listing things that happen to me or how I feel most times, and one I removed one paragraph because I am not ready to open up about it just yet.)

I get super anxious when I can’t find certain things like my key, my purse, even my hair tie or my comb. I look for those lost items everywhere until I find them. If not, I’ll think about it all day long. I got very anxious about it, thinking where are those, why am I so careless, oh no, I don’t want to lose them, please, where the f did I put it. And when I finally find them, I feel a huge relieve that I couldn’t even explain. It just feels so good to me.

Sometimes I feel okay, happy, good, excited, and ‘healthy’ but some other days I feel like piece of sh*t that doesn’t belong anywhere. Sometimes I feel that the world is against me and I don’t have somebody to turn to; I don’t have a friend in this storm. And that was the worst feeling ever.

I am sorry this post is really trashy but I just want to get this out a little. It helps me though. I actually have a draft that I entitle ‘opening up about everything’ where I basically tell things that I have never told anyone and maybe were best left unspoken. Instead, I printed that and gave it to my therapist.

You know what? I am just gonna leave this here. Thank you for reading my shitty ramble. Imma tell you when I got better, okay?

 

Vina Kanasya